WPCNR'S The Real Deal  -- Weddings by The Wedding Jeannie, Jeannie Uyanik, Cap and Gown Weddings. May 24 , 2008: Often in this column, we refer to the “olden” days of weddings – when things were relatively easier, the guest list was shorter and the costs much lower.  Rehearsal dinner planning is the quintessential example of how things have changed from then to now.  

The Weddding Jeannie

Jeannie Uyanik

Wedding Planner to the World

 In the good old days, when few guests could or did travel for weddings, the rehearsal dinner was not only a time for everyone to gather after practicing the run through for the wedding the following day, it was also a way to reward the guests who were participating in the bridal party for their dedication to the wedding and to thank those who had traveled from so far away.  Generally, the rule of thumb for who to invite was clear; bridal party, immediate family and out of town guests. 

These days however, out of town guests can mean the entire wedding list.  More people travel father every year for a wedding and to consider using the original guidelines often means having a dinner that resembles and costs as much as a second wedding.  In that respect, take comfort in changing the rules a bit.  And even if you don’t, we have included a few tips to make the planning slightly easier!

When considering the rehearsal dinner guest list, it’s totally appropriate to limit it to immediate family and bridal party only.  This ensures the intimacy of the event (read small) unless your bridal party is 30 people and also helps to mitigate explanations as to how the guest list was created.  Having a hard and fast rule like the one suggested above allows you to limit the invitation pool, but also allows you to explain how you arrived at a decision. 

One caveat; if you hope to use this rule, but then invite 4 or 5 guests for which it does not apply, be prepared for backlash!  The beauty of this strategy is that it is self explanatory and trying to deviate just a little does not work when you are dealing with two sets of families and a brides’ cousin who does not understand why the groom’s side got to invite their cousin.  If you use a rule, stick to it. 

In the past, rehearsal dinners often included no more than 30 people and were treated informally; held at the groom’s home or a location of the groom’s family’s choosing.  And yes, the rehearsal dinner, according to traditional etiquette, is the responsibility of the groom’s family both in planning and paying for it.  That often is not followed today though for a host of reasons, but we find that 50% of the time, this tradition still stands.  Ironically, the primary reason for the rehearsal dinner has lost its significance in modern day – congregating just after the rehearsal itself, usually at a house of worship, to thank everyone for participating. 

For most weddings these days, because bridal party schedules are tougher to coordinate, and because more and more couples feel that their participants are able to handle the processional and recessional, rehearsals themselves take place on the day of the wedding just before the ceremony.  We find this is a good idea given that many people remember and feel more comfortable, doing a quick walk only hours before they have to perform!  

But even without the backdrop of a rehearsal, dinners the night before the wedding are still very common place.  90% of the time, regardless of who is paying and organizing it and regardless of why, a rehearsal dinner will happen.  We think that they are a great outlet to allow for a small group of key players to gather, meet before the wedding and celebrate the couple more privately.  A good rule of thumb is that the rehearsal dinner should not in theory exceed 50% of your guest list EVER, but a more comfortable number to work with that we find makes both brides and grooms more excited about the event is a threshold of no more than 30% of your guest list at most. 

We have executed a number of rehearsal dinners for larger and more extravagant affairs where the rehearsal dinner guest list mirrors or comes close to that of the wedding, but we have found time and again that the bride and groom are often exhausted the next day and that the intimacy of the event and the ability of guests to really get to know each other is lost.

Regardless of the numbers, once you have a list, try and make the vision of the rehearsal dinner totally different from that of the wedding – i.e. if you are doing a ballroom event, go for something more casual in nature (barbeque) or something with a view and or outdoor/open space for the night before.  Give guests a change both in menu and atmosphere and DON’T think that guests need to be wowed by extravagance.  Some of the most successful rehearsal dinners have been those on lower budgets but with a lot of heart.  Be creative; this is the time to have fun with décor, food choices, service method and execution. 

Whimsical for the rehearsal dinner is always a success, especially if anchored by thoughtful planning (i.e. a family style dinner is great, but make sure you have enough food on each table and multiple dishes of the same thing).  Try and have the event, even if extravagant, have a more relaxed overtone so that guests don’t come away feeling there was no outlet for fun the entire weekend.  And plan to start on the earlier side; guests and the couple drinking until wee hours the night before a wedding don’t always have enough stamina to party two nights in a row!  Next week’s column will provide specific ideas for the prenuptial dinner. 

And finally, when you send out rehearsal dinner invitations, don’t include them in the invitation for the wedding.  These are two separate events and whatever postage you might save in only having one envelope, you will loose in the significance of creating a separate night for you to celebrate with guests.  That’s one rule that has not changed from the good old days of simpler planning and smaller guest lists.