WPCNR'S The Real Deal. By The Wedding Genie. September 15, 2007: In response to last week's column, one reader correctly suggested that the level of stress and the focus on all the details associated with planning a wedding "can ruin a relationship." Her primary point was that "the real deal" is actually whether or not people are truly in love and whether their values are compatible enough for them to stand the test of time. She is, of course, correct, and has our gratitude for priming this issue perfectly for a discussion on how to avoid some of the biggest pitfalls associated with planning any event -- particularly a wedding.
First and foremost, the under pinning of this and any piece on weddings should be that the couple is in love and excited about the rest of their lives together. More importantly, all of my experience suggests that while there is much unnecessary stress during the planning process, generally, it’s a wonderful opportunity for couples that are meant to be together to really learn how to communicate for the first time when they are not operating as a single entity.
Even couples who live together, once engaged, realize that the rules of engagement, are indeed different. It’s often the first time where families play a huge role in the decision making, or where couples are not pleased with their partners ideas, process and execution strategy. This does not make for a bad relationship; it does however create a crash course in learning how to compromise and how to effectively negotiate – lessons that will be oft used in marriage!
This in and of itself is difficult, so here are a few key tips to avoiding additional stress or frustration.
1) Leave the emotions out and look for solutions.
Make the assumption that no one has any bad intentions. Not parents, the bridal party, guests with crazy questions, or your partner. Weddings and large events tend to bring out more anxiety in everyone than usual so approach the planning as if everyone just wants to be heard. At the end of the day, couples have to make their own decisions and regardless of who is involved, try and maintain a relaxed attitude. Don’t get angry or frustrated, and if controversy or a problem arises, attack it with as much of an off the cuff attitude as you can. Getting emotional does not fix much well.
2) Be organized. Keep lists.
From day one, keep a notebook or folder where ALL wedding or event related material can be stored. If you have papers in different places or if you are using a folder that can’t easily be carried around, it makes the process more challenging. If you don’t have the tendency to be organized normally, make it a priority for the planning. It will save you a great deal of time and angst. To do lists are a planners best friend and if you can maintain a running one, checking off what’s been accomplished, you will not only see how much you are getting done, but also how far you have gotten.
3) Attack each item on the checklist as if it’s the only one.
Often, when reviewing checklists that are in books or on line initially, it’s overwhelming. There is a sense of fear at how much there is to do. Pick ONE thing at a time to tackle. And get that as finished as possible before starting the next task. Think of it like a puzzle. Rather than looking at all the pieces and then the big picture on the box and wondering how you will ever manage to get there, start with a specific portion of the puzzle. Get as much of that done and then start another section. Eventually, all the pieces will come together and you will enjoy the process much more. In next week’s column, we will outline the best way to start planning an actual wedding. What to start with and how to prioritize.
4) Don’t succumb to peer OR industry pressure.
Everyone has friends that have gotten married and most of those well meaning married folks has a name of someone for you, a piece of advice for you and definitive thoughts on how you should do things. Listen, but don’t panic if what someone else is saying is not in line with what you were thinking or how you were planning to do something.
Everyone’s wedding is meant to be different. As a result, the process and the vendors involved can be different. Use all the advice to be better informed, but don’t take anything to heart that does not feel right or sound like it’s a fit for you. That particularly goes for choosing vendors. The wedding and event industry can be imposing in that you feel pressure about “missed deadlines”; vendors will call and ask if you have made a decision because someone else is interested in the date; friends will say that they already had something done two years before their wedding, etc.
That does not mean that things won't get booked or that you should not be as proactive as possible in getting things done, but we have executed weddings for 300+ guests in less than 2 months, so everything is always possible. And if you are about to make a decision because of outside forces rather than because you feel good about the decision, generally, it’s not productive. If you think that you would not ordinarily make a move but for the feeling of needing to pull the trigger before it’s too late – stop and reevaluate your options. If nothing still feels right, then you probably need to explore more choices before moving forward.
The most common argument that we hear in response to this is that couples just don’t have time to explore more options – but think of it this way – if you don’t then you are going to be stuck with something that will end up making you much more miserable than if you just took the extra few hours – 5 hours, 6 hours, to really review all the possibilities. There is always more time in a day when it’s important.
5) Delegate
If people offer to help, take them up on it. But, maintain a level of control over the task or process so that there are no misunderstandings about a friend or family member’s goal. For instance, having people help put together invitations – tell them how you want everything done and be there to oversee the process if possible.
If you ask someone to call hotels on your behalf to look into rates, make it clear what you are looking for, what is most important to you about the hotel and what range of pricing is most suitable. Delegation often does not work either because the directives are not clear or because there is a lack of communication between the parties. If everything becomes too overwhelming even if you can do it all – be proactive in trying to reduce the burden before it crushes you. Know when to ask for help.
6) Use common sense.
Planning an event is NOT rocket science. You will notice that none of these articles require complicated mathematical formulas to evaluate whether a decision is good or bad. We primarily work with many successful professional men and women, who have excelled in their careers. But, when it comes to the wedding, common sense seems to be the first thing out the window. Nothing having to do with a wedding is that complicated. It just requires time to understand.
If you are interviewing a vendor who does not seem to know what they are talking about, but has an amazing reputation, don’t hire them or talk to more people before you make a decision. If you are planning to invite 400 guests but the venue only holds 300, that’s a problem. Things don’t magically change because it’s a wedding or event. If you imagine a plan for your wedding that does not involve a rain back up, that’s definitely a problem. Common sense is an underused ally in the chaos of planning.
If you use these six guidelines as a base for planning the chances are high that you will reduce your stress level and enjoy the process so much more. Remember, the day of the event is just a few hours, but the time leading up to it is just as important and definitely much longer than even the most special of days. Focus on making the preparations for the event as enjoyable as you want
Note: Got a question or a comment for the Wedding Genie? Ms. Uyanik will answer your questions. Simply e-mail her at weddinggenie@candgweddings.com
