WPCNR THE DAILY BAILEY. Satire By John F. Bailey. August 22, 2007: Now that City Hall has installed combination locks on the City Hall restrooms, the protocol on restroom usage needs to be established.

Is this the first step in following Fort Lauderdale, our sister city’s lead in installing mechanical restrooms, being put into use at Fort Lauderdale beaches? The combination locks on the restrooms could be the tentative first step to getting a firm grip on City Hall Restroom activity -- an obvious and long overlooked security breach in the city's underbelly.

Frankly I am surprised that on Thursday evening’s Common Council agenda there is not discussion of a feasibility study for managing this much-needed upgrade in City Hall Security, before city hall rushes into this bold new era of supervised comfort zones.  Locked restrooms when there are long public meetings for example are a problem… well before we go to far…here are some issues city hall may wish to consider:

Establishment of Pattern Usage

First, not everyone who attends meetings has the same elimination patterns. Therefore it is imperative that before implementing a “Just ask and you can go policy” that a thorough study of how the restrooms are used during public meetings is obviously in order. (Calling Ernst & Young!) Just ask yourself what would Andy Spano and Bill Ryan do, Mayor Delfino? With the possible exception of establishing drop-in shelters, no  bureaucrat worth their inflated salary and pension  would ever do anything without spending at least $25,000 to $50,000 on a study.  

What could such a study tell us: frequency of restroom use; Number of restroom visits a day, broken down by employee and visitor; whether public not doing city hall business uses the rest rooms for convenience, whether usage is increased during public meetings (and needs addressing); breakdowns of visit duration (essential for efficient key and combination queuing); breakdowns of usage pattern between men and women (women tend to use a restroom longer than men, perhaps a separate powder room is in order so relief trips can be expedited and makeup touchups separated ); would security cameras in rest rooms be effective in expediting and reducing occupation times; should the city hall restrooms receive upgrades or perhaps divided into individual comfort stations.

Unnecessary Public Meeting Recesses/ Usage Limitation.

 And that is just the beginning of the issues. The last thing city hall wants is extended five minute breaks in Common Council, Planning Department, Zoning Board and Work Sessions due to rest room backlogs, and persons hobbling around in obvious discomfort. Discomfort at City Hall is anxiety-provoking enough without fear of not being able to hold out long enough to get to use the restroom. You would not want to ruin one of those $1,000 suits!

In  fact the issue of timing is essential. By acquiring a log of time spent in the City Hall Restrooms by the average user, the city could establish a time limit on how long a person could use it.

Which raises another question – will only one person be able to use the restroom at a time – so any threats to security placed in the restroom would be traceable. Will there be a photographic record taken of each person entering the restroom 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The thought is sobering and obviously requires study a lot of it.

Disillusioning Experiences for the Elite

Though outrageous parking policies are being stoically endured by Mr. and Mrs. White Plains, the gazillion-dollar-an-hour attorneys and consultants and  projectivists visiting City Hall, will they be able to endure the great leveling experience of the City Hall Restroom Queue?

This raises the issue of whether City Hall will have the Department of Public Works investigate installing rest rooms for different classes of users – perhaps one rest room for makeup and grooming, another for simple eliminations, another for more complex procedures in the interest of expediting the natural course of human events. But this is exactly why we need a study. The rest rooms could be profit centers!

Amenites In Order?

Should fees be considered? They could be upgraded by having attendents in the restrooms, easy chairs, Ritz Carlton style marble and gilded fixtures, and an attendent handing you towels, perhaps warmed -- like they used to at "21"?

Should, in the interest in discouraging preemptive restroom visits, fees be charged? Obviously the security lock allows the city to monitor, and charge perhaps at least $1 or more per visit. (The Parking Department shortfall from the Marine tickets could be avoided—with of course armed forces allowed to go free.)

Security Issues

Has the Department of Public Safety noticed a pattern of behavior in the restrooms that have raised this level of threat awareness? It could tell us what has been the pattern of restroom abuse and violations? Have the restrooms been the frequent site of unauthorized activities, or has the alleged naked man in the men’s room been the only incident. (Perhaps city hall is overreacting to an isolated incident? What don't we know and what do they know they are not revealing?)

Will police want to station a uniformed officer at all times in the restrooms or outside the door who will discreetly knock after say the proscribed timelimit, saying, “Could you please step away from the toilet, sir, and leave the restroom within 30 seconds? Thank you sir.”

ACLU Where are you?

Is there an invasion of privacy here? Because there were no signs saying “No bathing” in the Men’s Restaurant when the naked man was discovered, according to the Mayor who gave this as a reason why the locks were installed to a visitor to City Hall. Perhaps the individual, if he existed at all, spilled something on his clothes and was doing a more extensive cleanup than usual? Perhaps we will never know. Legal may want to put up a friendly sign of what is and is not allowed in the new “secure” restrooms

To help the beleagured Edward Dunphy out, WPCNR can see a list under the picture of Mayor Joseph Delfino, with cooperative smile on his face and the following instructions on the Men's and Ladies Room Walls:

City of White Plains

Department of Elimination Protocols, Ordinances, Statutes & Limitations

The City Restroom is for efficient elimination operations  by authorized public users only, including, but not limited to the natural human elimination processes. The following activities are strictly prohibited:

No Admiring self in mirror.

No Intercourse.

No bathing.

No obsessive  washing.

 No makeup application beyond 60 seconds.

 No laundry processing.

No Conversations.

No Impromptu or Pre-arranged Conferences.

No changing of clothes.

No haircutting, styling.

No Hairspray Permitted.

 No vomiting (if you need to vomit due to what you are experiencing due to meeting conditions and actions, contact a security officer who will provide a Mayor Joseph Delfino Mal de City Hall Fashion Bag).

No disposal of unauthorized objects, such as but not limited to site plans, building permits, official documents, financial forecasts, backup material in sanitary facilities. contact a security officer and a shredder will be provided 

No drug use permitted.

No oral hygiene permitted. (Brushing of Teeth)

Retrofitting Restrooms?

Should the restrooms be limited to one person using them at a time? Should they be broken up to accommodate one person?  The more, I , a mere reporter think about this issue there are great human rights issues in play here. Is restriction  to one person, or discrimination based on need, constitutional?

Edward Dunphy, City Corporation Counsel might want to work with the American Civil Liberties Union on this one: An uneasy intrusion into one of our most cherished civil liberties the right to go discreetly and anonymously.

Establish a New City Department

The more I look at this issue, the more I think that the Common Council has to take a closer look. These are too important issues to be wrestled with by one inquiring reporter.

The issues involved with this most basic right really need the full time attention of perhaps an entirely new city department.

To that end the Council should, as part of its study consider creating a Department of Elimination.

The Department would give the city a whole new perspective on elimination procedures and policies to be developed for the City Charter.

There would be a Commissioner of Elimination, and a Deputy Commissioner of Commodeities with a full staff of inspectors. The department could also preside over the messy business of eliminating personnel no longer deemed essential to the city, thus relieving the legal department of the messy job of informing a commissioner they had to go now.

The Department of Elimination would liaison with the Department of Public Safety and the Human Rights Commission to set policy on restroom use, duration of stays, fees, etc.

They could also train inspectors and the monitors who would person the Mayor’s Office of Elimination that could be located in one of the alcoves inside the Mayor’s Office – who would record the names and times of each visitor to the restrooms (for security reasons, of course).

 The Department of Elimination, what a concept!